I am a control freak. I am a planner. I am someone who wants to know how it will end up, before I start. I like to know the rules, follow them, and then be happy with my success when it turns out like it should. I like to have knowledge about what I’m doing before I do it, so that I’m sure not to mess up. When I was working, I wanted to know exactly what was expected of me so that I could do my job well. When I am a part of a group, I like everyone to have their defined roles so that everything comes out like it’s supposed to.
That was all before.
Now I’m a wife, and I’m a mother, and none of those things are realistic anymore. The lines of these roles are smudgy and undefined. I know it’s my role to love and serve my husband, raise and cherish my daughter, and care for my home, but the nitty gritty of the everyday how-to’s are not clearly defined. I try to plan, because that’s my nature, but even after I plan out my day or week, or heck, even my next hour, most times, that plan is obliterated in a matter of minutes, and my to do list remains undone and more things are added than were taken care of. I try to do my research and build my base of knowledge, and then make good choices for my family, especially when it comes to our health, but the truth of the matter is that I’m winging it and that it is trial and error. I hate trial and error…I’m not in control. That’s why I am growing ever closer to God through this journey He has allowed me to take, because I have to believe that He is in control when I am floundering and have no idea what I’m doing. Marriage and parenthood have sometimes come with way many more questions than I know the answers to – I have moments where I feel completely unprepared and I continue to learn as I go, which needless to say is a slightly uncomfortable place for me to be.
I used to think that if you obeyed God and went where He called you, everything would be easy and would flow effortlessly, and you’d be awesome at it. But I’ve come to realize that it’s actually the opposite. If you are in the center of God’s will, it will not be sunshine and rainbows and won’t be effortless, it will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done. It will feel uncertain, it will be rocky, and you will feel like you’re bumbling along some of the time. And you know what? It’s a beautiful place to be, because it proves that we rely on Him alone for everything – guidance, love, wisdom, peace, direction, everything. And if you do, you will have absolute peace in the midst of the uncertain.
In the Bible, Moses (eventually) did God’s will and was threatened by Pharoah. Job lost everything and was tested almost to his limits even though he obeyed God. Stephen was stoned. Daniel was thrown into a den of lions. Paul was tortured, jailed and lived a crazy unpredictable life, never knowing if he was going to live or die. And there are so many other stories about incredible adversity in the face of incredible obedience and faith.
Jesus. The center of God’s will for Him was anything but comfortable or easy. There weren’t rainbows and sunshine in every moment. The Bible says that He was human, so maybe He even had doubts about what He was doing, and if He was doing it well! He faced pain, ridicule, abandonment, and a horrible death. But the story is beautiful in that He trusted completely in God to lead Him, provide for Him, and care for Him along the way and God’s perfect plan was realized for the salvation of the whole world.
God is a God of order and of plans and of peace – there are so many verses in the Bible that promise His peace and provision, I can’t reference them all! When I get upset that I don’t know what’s going to happen or how something will turn out, I remember that he laid the foundation for Jesus’ coming thousands of years before it happened. He planned for me to be here – out of billions of people, He chose my husband and brought us together, and gave us this specific child. He called me to this path, and created me specifically for this purpose. He will be sovereign over all things, because He IS sovereign. The issue is me – opening my hands and letting go of the reins….which I am holding onto too tightly in the first place most likely. If it was easy, every one would do it, isn’t that what they say? Well the truth is, that if it was easy, I wouldn’t know my God like I do now! If I knew the answers, if I knew what to do in every situation, if I had patience and joy enough on my own, I wouldn’t seek Him and ask for His strength daily, and would be missing out on one of the greatest joys in my life, being loved and provided for by my Father God.