Rainbows

She’s squealing with delight, running to get me to tell me about the rainbows on the floor – darting into her room next door and then back out into the living room to find them all. She’s mesmerized by the tiny squares of rainbow scattered across the carpet as the morning sun catches the prisms hung in the windows.

What she doesn’t know is how heart wrenchingly poignant that is to her mama’s heart. The prisms are the angel ornaments a dear friend had made for me to remember and honor our two angel babies. What she doesn’t know is that she is dancing in delight at the rainbows that come from the memories of her siblings that came before her, who brought sadness and healing, indescribable pain and abundant life.

I stand back and watch and the magnitude of God’s love and promise hits me like a freight train – my answered prayer, my evidence of God’s faithfulness, my miracle, is dancing in the beauty that came from the pain.

You always know at the outset that the storm will pass. But you have to make it through the storm in order to see the rainbow at the end. A little message from God if you endure: “See? The world is washed new, here’s a touch of beauty in the aftermath of the devastation as a reminder that I will always start new things, I will always uphold my promises!”

I would have cherished and loved those two babies here on earth without question, but in truth, my heart wasn’t ready. I wasn’t willing to rely fully and totally on God. I was too proud to admit that I need Him in every single moment. I wasn’t at the point where I was able to ask the Holy Spirit to work in me every day and be my only strength. I was selfish, immature and shallow in my so-called faith. The pain of their loss drove me to Jesus in a way I never had been before and awakened my soul to the life and freedom He offers.

Life is now bigger, more emotional, more raw, but so much better than it was before my plans got disrupted.

Now I sit by her bed at night sometimes and just soak her in because she wasn’t a given. She wasn’t a checked box on the life to do list. She’s a miracle. She’s a blessing. She’s a walking answer to prayer…in the midst of the toddler years, there are hard days, but I try to take time every day just to hold her close, feel the sweet weight of her little body against mine, run my fingers through her silky, crazy curls and tell her just how much I love her. She will never know what she means to me, but I hope she keeps chasing rainbows all her life. Full of life and joy and seeking the beauty to be found in the promises of God.

That time of loss in my life was painful. One I didn’t understand. But I can say now that God used it for good…He used it to break my heart, my plans, my stubbornness and rebuild them bigger and better, repaired with the fullness of His love and faithfulness and the gift of His Holy Spirit. I have faith that He uses everything for good and that this didn’t happen to harm me but to heal me.

In this month of candy and pumpkin spice and fall coziness, we remember the babies who have never been hugged here on earth by their loved ones, but are held tightly in the arms of Jesus. You are loved, little ones. You are remembered and you are a part of a beautiful plan.

To the mamas who have been there too…be strong and have faith! We may never understand the reasons why, and we will always carry the scars from the pain, but we can live in the hope that God sees us, loves us, wants the best for us and uses everything for His glory and our good! Run to Him and He will give you comfort that can’t be described, peace that can’t be understood, and healing that seems impossible.

To all of our rainbow babies – you are loved, little ones, with a depth of emotion that is overwhelming! You are the embodiment of hope and prayer and the triumph of faith over fear. Spend the rest of your life living in the promises of God – your purpose here on earth has been divinely appointed and you are here for a reason! We are so abundantly blessed to have you!

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