I had a moment this weekend where I was deep in the grumpies. We are all sick for the 3000th day in a row, and it is honestly just wearing on me. We don’t sleep well when everyone is up coughing, and then days are filled with trudging through, wiping snotty noses and dealing with more meltdowns than usual because everyone is feeling punky. I haven’t been actively attending to all my usual things like writing, art, cooking and managing my Bible study like normal because frankly, it feels like we have just been dealing with being sick for months on end!
Typically, I like to save some time on the weekends to re-center and prep for the week ahead – both mentally as well as prepping food, straightening the house, and getting some activities and some “school” lessons all set for the kids. It helps me feel organized, less stressed, and more prepared for the week to come so that I have more brain space to enjoy what is happening rather than be planning it on the fly.
Well, this weekend, we went into it sick and sleepless, I was feeling fatigued and drained and like my to-do (and WANT-to-do) list was hanging over my head, but my tank was completely empty and I was on the verge of just sitting down and being a completely useless, cranky lump. It was my husband’s birthday, and everything in me wanted to celebrate him and be joyful and create a happy time for our family, but I just couldn’t find the energy. And then Sunday rolled around and I wanted to go to church, but we were super gross, so we didn’t. I reluctantly occupied curly girl (toddler energy doesn’t seem to wane much when they’re sick, does it?!) and looked forward to naptime. I was so deep in my brain fog that I was seriously spending the bulk of the morning vascillating between what I selfishly wanted to do during naptime that would make me feel better, and thinking about the food I was going to make for the SuperBowl – life-giving thoughts, there, people!!
Well naptime rolled around, and I was feeling sorry for myself and propping my eyelids up and trying to decide if I was going to give in to a less than successful nap (y’all know as soon as YOU nap, the kid wakes up!!) or if I was going to begrudgingly clean up my home and do “life” things.
Well, I decided to start with a nice hot shower because I was truly disgusting…think sneezing swamp monster. As I was steaming myself, I just felt this sense of the Holy Spirit come over me, and it was just a gentle admonition, “Why don’t you ask Me for help?”
Begin internal dialogue. “I don’t need to ask for help, I’m just sick and tired, its fine. I know I’m grumpy, its my fault, it doesn’t concern you, I just need rest. “
But the truth was that I was in turmoil, struggling against my bodily and mental weakness and losing BIG time. The verse “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me” (2 Corinthians 12:9) came and smacked me right between the eyes – it never occurred to me to ask God to help me in this situation! I was going to handle it. I was strong enough to do all the things even when my tank was empty, and my thoughts and emotions were strictly my domain, and therefore only under my control.
Well right there in the steaming shower, I asked for help. I told God I didn’t want to spend the day grumpy, but that I was completely done with being sick and I was just tired. Bone tired. I asked Him to give me His peace of mind, His strength, His joy and motivation to do that things that NEEDED to be done, and a sense of rest to leave the things that didn’t. I asked for a heart that was open to the beautiful things around me that day, and forgiveness for acting like my beautiful life was a drudgery.
I told Him that I was for sure feeling my weakness big time, and I didn’t want to live there, and so I needed Him! And then He gently reminded me that it had been 2 days since I had spent time in His word and did I see a correlation between my mental space and my unopened Bible??
And you know what? After our little conversation, I felt peace come over me – I finished up my shower, put on some nice fresh clothes and a little makeup and perfume. I made my bed, straightened the kitchen really quickly, made myself a drink and sat myself down with the Word.
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.Romans 12:2
Its amazing how “renewing your mind” really works – we can get so easily carried down a rabbit hole of our feelings, and forget to submit it all to Jesus and ask for help! “He doesn’t mean my tiredness, or my sniffles… “ He didn’t mean to give him my mental load of budget and to do list and social engagements…”
We so quickly convince ourselves that God doesn’t care, when in fact, He’s standing right there, waiting to help, just waiting for us to ask! And in that moment, its supernatural, but He’s instantly there as a helper.
Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.Hebrews 4:16
As I spent time in His word, and talked to Him about what I was feeling, He lifted me above my feelings, filled me back up and put a little spring in my step. My mind was much more clear, my perspective was realigned, and I was able to be cheerful with my poor sick girl when she woke up cranky – I was able to spend my time focusing on her instead of myself; we made food together, painted, read and snuggled for movies. When daddy came home, we were able to have good family time, and I felt like I was finally out of my “me, me me” headspace that had been dragging me down for several days.
Don’t listen to yourself when you say that God doesn’t care about the little parts of your life. He loves us all and wants us to experience true fullness of life, from our minds, to our bodies, to our spirits, children, jobs, marriages and homes. But that only comes when we admit, day after day, that we just aren’t able to do it on our own and truly and honestly confess our weaknesses and ask for His amazing help. He will never leave you struggling! We serve an awesome Father God!
Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.Matthew 7:7